We had another anniversary of the day we pledged our eternal love to each other. This was decidedly more low key than last year. Once you reach 10, do you just slum it through the remaining years together? Like you put out your best, solid effort for TEN WHOLE YEARS now there's no use in trying to impress anyone anymore? I did shave my legs, so...there's that.
Perhaps this year snuck up on us or perhaps we were so financially and emotionally drained from purchasing a house and having to dump gobs of money back into it that exchanging $20 trinkets symbolizing our undying devotion to each other has lost its urgency.
"Come on, yo. I bought you a HOUSE. Why can't you be down with that?"
Why we speak in ghetto whimsy when trying to make a point it beyond me. It seems to make the point more effectively. I could use some bath sheets. Maybe next year will be my year. We did manage to make it to dinner and drinks by ourselves and then grocery shopping in peace. We exchanged a card that Chris originally bought for me but I forgot to buy one so I hijacked his and wrote something back, crossing out my name and writing his on top. TEN GOOD YEARS I tell you. Why spend $6 on cards when you can only spend $3? Sharing is caring. Sharing also means you can get an extra drink special at dinner.
In honor of love, I found these rules from the 1930's on socially acceptable rules for women and dating. Puh. As if. I have violated every single one of these rules, sometimes all of them in a single date. Who wants to date a woman who follows these rules? And who wants to date a man who expects it? I swear I would stab a man in the hand with my dinner fork if he acted like a boorish prig depicted below.
1. Don't be conspicuous talking to other men.
How else are you going to make your date jealous of other men or make him aware of how lucky he is to be with you? Maybe they just mean do it in secret, covertly. That's a good tip.
2. Don't be sentimental and try to get him to say something he doesn't want to by working on his emotions.
I'm pretty sure dates are the BEST time to goad a man into expressing vulnerability. He'll be too mired in marriage/work/children/bills/yard work/new tires/house paint in 10 years to remember that he even has tear ducts. Milk it for all it's worth. It will be a bonding moment.
3. Don't sit in awkward positions, and never look bored even if you are.
How else is he going to know you've tired of his topic of conversation? Looking bored is far better than talking about the last outfit you just bought.
4. Do your dressing in your boudoir to keep your allure.
Why? Change in the parking lot if you need to. Why are we all hung up on keeping our knees and ankles a thing of mystery?
5. Men don't like girls who borrow their handkerchief and smudge them with lipstick.
Maybe men need to get the hell over it.
6. Careless women never appeal to gentlemen. Don't talk while dancing, for when a man dances he wants to dance.
I'm pretty sure there are thousands of careless women in bars right now appealing to untold numbers of men. Careless women are a man's favorite! I believe they have an entire movement dedicated to careless women called "Ladies' Night."
7. If you need a brassiere, wear one. Don't tug at your girdle, and be careful your stocking are not wrinkled.
Word. Even if you don't need a brassiere, wear one. No one wants to see that. And make sure your stockings aren't wrinkled, yes. Santa hates wrinkled stockings. He will spit on your cookies!
8. Don't be familiar with your escort by caressing him in public. Any open show of affection is in bad taste, usually embarrasses or humiliates him.
Yes, men hate to be touched. It feels like sandpaper on their skin and sin on their soul. LOOK AWAY FROM THE HUMAN MAN. DO NOT TOUCH HIM. Really? Don't caress him? How will you make it to second base after dinner?
9. Don't be familiar with your headwaiter talking about the fun you had with someone else another time. Men deserve, desire your full attention.
Why not? He needs to know what a hot, fun, emotional, touchy, willing to change in public date you are. Now is the time to talk yourself up. Make him realize how boring his life would be without you.
10. Don't talk about your clothes or try to describe your new gown to a man. Please and flatter your date by talking about the things he wants to talk about.
Or look bored when he won't talk about your clothes or your future children's clothes. "Please and flatter?" Good grief. Where are we? The 193---oh, right.
Happy anniversary, Chris. I'm glad we weren't born in the '30's because I never would have made it to the altar.